Remembering My Son

October 15 is National Pregnancy & Infant Loss Rememberance Day. At 7:00 PM, families all across our nation will light a candle in rememberance of their lost little ones. We will do the same for our sweet Patrick. 19 months ago today, I held my baby boy for the first and last time. My heart still aches as if it were yesterday. I don't believe a mother's heart ever heals from the loss of a child. I still harbor much grief and pain every day, but am so glad the God carries it for me and that I know that His perfect will has been done. I have to believe that He needed Patrick for something much greater than his life on Earth. Patrick came to touch our lives for a short time, but to live with our everlasting God forever doing His will.

 

The night Patrick was born, I only have few memories of. God has a way of protecting us from trauma I guess. I have no memory of the entire day I labored with him. My mind has blocked it out. In some ways I am sad that I don't remember, but in other ways I know it is for the best. My first memory is of my 3 dear friends, Carol, Hellen, & Tiffany who came to visit me shortly before he was born. I don't remember what we said. I only remember their presence. Visitng hours were over at 9:00 PM and they all went home. 57 minutes later, I was screaming for the doctor because Patrick was on his way. I remember the pains being nothing like Ryan's labor pains. Giving birth to a 3 lb. child is totally different that an almost 9 pounder. I remember looking up at my mom who held my right hand asking her to help me. The doctor finally came rushing in and with one push, Patrick was born. He was 3 lbs. and 16 inches long. I remember them laying him on my chest, but my vision was so blurry that I kept yelling that I couldn't see him. My sister was taking pictures like crazy and I couldn't see the nurses cleaning him or anything. I was so disoriented from labor and my undiagnosed Cushing's Syndrome that it was hard to focus on anything. I remember them taking Patrick to be bathed, weighed, and measured. I don't remember when they brought him back.

The one thing I remember the most was how amazing our nurses were to my boy. They treated him like a living child. They put a preemie diaper on him and dressed him in the preemie clothes that my mother in law had bought. My sister had gotten his baby book from home and we stamped his tiny hand and footprints. The nurse even gave him his first haircut for me. I remember holding him and he looked so peaceful. His fight with my sickness was over and he was with Jesus. That was the one thing that comforted me the entire time and gave me peace. I knew that Jesus held my son at the same time that I was. The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep photographer came and took some wonderful photos of all of us. Everyone in the family who wanted to hold him got to.

After everyone had gone home, we chose to stay with Patrick until 2:00 AM. I took a few pictures on my own and took 2 on my phone, so I could carry him with me wherever I went. Many of the doctors overseeing my case came to express their condolences, which I greatly appreciated. At 2:00 AM, it was time to say goodbye. We asked the nurses to come get our sweet boy. That moment sticks with me forever. As they took my baby away, I realized that he was really gone. I had 4 sweet hours to hold him and love on his tiny little body, but God had his spirit 4 days prior.

Oh sweet Patrick, how my heart aches for you every day. When I watch Ryan play, it hurts knowing you're not here with him playing, fighting, and loving on each other. It pains my heart knowing that Cushing's stole another chance at motherhood from me. It pains me knowing that Ryan will forever be an only child due to my heart complications. But I know you're safe and I will see you again one day. God wasn't ready for me yet. I have a job to do here with your brother. Watch over him and we will see you soon.

 

All My Love,

 

Mommy