You Can't Make Me!

 

(But I Can Be Pursuaded)

 

 

I just recently looked back my my blog posts from 2011 and saw all the fun, educational, and brilliant projects and activities that I did with Ryan. From looking at the posts, I would have never guessed that a very sick woman wrote them and did all those things! Cyberspace hides a lot of how we really feel. Some of it on purpose, because I was really trying to focus on the positive, and the rest because a blog post just can't always define the reality of the situation.

 

Life on my blog may seem rosy at times, but I like to think that if I share a little bit of reality with my readers that they too will not feel so alone in their mommy struggles. My life is not a facade by any means. I try to be very real and transparent. I have often been thanked for this quality and I hope to continue to help others with my candidness.

 

The past few weeks with Ryan have been anything but easy. He is having to get used to an entirely new schedule and doing it all without a nap. He loves his new school and tells me he is glad to go every day. Picking him up is a whole nother ball of wax. By the 3rd day (Thursday) after 3 days of school in a row and no naps all week, he.is.a.BEAR! The kicking, screaming, biting (yes, he bites now) have just about thrown me for a loop. He has quite the temper, let me tell you. I have been in tears over his behavior many times. It has really taken a toll on my relationship with Ryan. I have said many times that I love him to death, but I do not like him. I am not ashamed to say it. I know we all have thought it about our kids more than once. I have internalized much of his behavior and taken it personally because of all the time I was sick and absent from parenting him. I felt like his behavior was a direct reflection of that time and my absence. Thankfully with the help from my counselor and our family counselor (I am NOT afraid to ask for help), I have begun to learn that his behavior is typical 4 year old strong-willed boy behavior. I have been given some fantastic new tools that have revolutionized our family and my relationship with my son.

 

I was never a super strong willed kid. Neither was Mike. I am the oldest of 2 and while I had my stubborn streaks, I was a pleaser. I liked to make my parents and teachers happy and never wanted to break the rules. Mike is the youngest of 3. Like he says, he watched his older siblings mess up so he learned what NOT to do. Ryan is an entirely different animal. He is very outspoken, never shy, and tells it like it is. He wants to be the center of attention and have everyone do everything his way. If someone does not do something his way, play by the rules, etc, he cannot handle it and has a meltdown. He does not take direction very well either. It goes in one ear and out the other. He is the kid who will argue the point into the ground to see how far into the ground it will go! He is highly intelligent (not by my observations, but by our counselor and his teachers) and will challenge any rule or authority just to see if he can push the limits. I was never like that, so this is very foreign to me!

 

Thankfully, my couselor recommended a book to us that has helped immensely. I am reading You Can't Make Me (But I Can Be Pursuaded) by: Cynthia Tobias. WON.DER.FUL! It has opened my eyes and my mind to the world of parenting strong-willed, highly intelligent children. I have started giving Ryan choices about everything. IT WORKS! There is no more arguing in the mornings, nor more fights in the car, no more frustrated Mommy or Ryan. We are closer and I like spending time with my child again!

 

Here is an example of how our mornings used to go:

Ryan, please take off your pajamas.

Ryan refuses. I ask again. Ryan refuses. I lose my temper and ask myself for the thousanth time why it is SO HARD to take off ones pajamas! I threatened time out if he didn't do it (which is exactly what he wanted...getting out of the situation). He ends up angry. He either kicks, tries to hit me, or screams out of frustration. Every morning was SO horrible. I tried the whole "first time obedience" idea with Ryan. BIG FAIL. Strong willed kids want a reason why they have to do something. They will not always move because you say move. It's not that they are being defiant, they just want to know why. I have learned this about my son and it has changed me. All my first time obeidence demands did for Ryan was made him more resistant and more defiant. Ultimately he does not HAVE to do what I ask. It really is HIS choice. We all were given free will. I am now getting him to do what I want, just persuading him to do it instead of demanding him. I hit the nail on the head!

 

NOW, mornings go something like this:

Ryan, do you want to take off your pajama shirt or pants first?

He decides. He gets undressed.

Ryan do you want to put your shorts on first or your shirt?

He decides. He gets dressed.

Ryan, do you want to to Bible time or put your shoes on first?

He decides. We do it.
Ryan, do you want waffles or oatmeal for breakfast?
*Here's the kicker with my son--I want cereal!
Ryan, your choices today are waffles or oatmeal. We can have cereal tomorrow, ok?
He chooses from A or B and we eat.
Ryan, what toy do you want to put away first, cars or trucks?
He decides and it all gets picked up.
Ryan, if your seatbelt is buckled by the time I get in, buckle myself, and start the engine, then you may listen to your music. Otherwise, it's Mommy's choice.
He usually moves quickly and no more fights over the seatbelt!
 

It has worked miracles! Now, I am not saying that it has fixed every problem we are having, but the stress level in our house has decreased by about 75%.  It is still challenging for me to think about a choice for every situation, but it's becoming easier the more I do it. He feels in control, but ultimately what I want gets done. Isn't that what's important anyway? Seriously, I needed to let go of some control and it's hard for us Type A control freaks. He wanted control. I wanted control. We were both going to fight to the death to get it. All it left us was 2 angry and flustered people.

 

I would highly recommend this book to anyone with strong willed kids who is having the same type of issues that we were. It will change your life. I really had to open my mind to some of the ideas, but whatever was going to work for my child. He deserves the best I can give him and that means a happy, patient mother looking out for his best interests.

 

If I have helped at least one person with our story, then I have succeeded. We are not perfect, just trying to parent our son the best way we can that works with his personality. He's a great kid and now he's a great kid that I love hanging around and getting along with. I have missed enough time with him due to a disease stealing it from me. I am not missing out on any more!

 

Kelly