Times, they are a' changin'

My husband probably thinks I am either crazy or pregnant again because I seem to cry at the drop of a hat these days. Fortunately I am neither crazy nor pregnant, just a nostalgic mother of the cutest little toddler boy in the world and falling completely in love with him more & more every day.

This time last year I can remember being sunken into the depths of postpartum depression and seeing no way out. I remember the feelings of loneliness, being trapped, and being so sleep-deprived with this new little creature that had come into my life and completely turned my world upside down. I longed for my job, my friends, and my old way of life. I longed for my freedom, to be able to go and do on a whim, and not have this little man telling me, a grown woman, what to do and when I could do it! What a rude awakening motherhood was turning out to be. This was not the "maternal bliss" that I had heard so much about. Where was the overwhelming feelings of love I was supposed to have? Where was the joy? All I wanted to do was run as far away as I could and never come back.

Now, almost 14 months later, I look back at those days and see how much I learned about myself. I am so much stronger than I every thought I could be. I survived the depression and the hard times with a very difficult infant. While all my other friends' infants slept, cooed, played, ate, mine cried. No one seemed to understand when I kept telling them that Ryan cried and cried and cried. Their babies didn't do that.

What a gift I have been given now at 14 months old. He is an absolute joy!! Ryan is so much fun! He laughs, plays, and listens so well. We enjoy meals together, snacks together, and just enjoy being mother & son. I couldn't say that a year ago. I love to get down on the floor and play with him. He throws the ball to me & looks so proud after he does it. His laughter is contagious. We love to walk and go to the park and to the library. After being home with him a year now, I couldn't imagine being any other place. I no longer have any desire to go back to teaching...at least not right now. I know God has placed me in this role for a reason. I am destined to be Ryan's mommy and to mold him in his early years. I can't think of a more important job in this world.